Where to Park in London has been created to fill an urgent need for London's motorists to know where they can park their cars and vans at any time of day or night.

The answer, I can now reveal, is virtually nowhere. At least, not unless you want to pay truly exorbitant rates or, worse, suffer the death's head grin of some self-important, commission-based gimp with a uniform on lease from Fascists-R-Us as he or she slaps a ticket for several million pounds on your windscreen.

So here are our hints and tips for car parking in London without going absoeffinglutely insane and ending up iwth a prison sentence for road rage. Oh, and good luck.